Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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