So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Less talking, more tequila
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
