I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
