I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
