When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
