We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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