I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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