I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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