the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
