it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Can you bring me the toilet please
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
