peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
