I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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