I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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