I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
