Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
