oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
