just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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