1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
you had me at cake vodka
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
