I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
