I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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