I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
