meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
