Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
