Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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