I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
