the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You dont lie about slip and slides
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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