Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
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