hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Sext me about skeletons
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
