no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
