When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
