Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
