we made out on top of his cat.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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