I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
