dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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