I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
