Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
