HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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