my phone needs a breathalizer
Is it because I queefed?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
