I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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