my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
