Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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