i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm too high and old for this...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
