between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
