last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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