allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
