how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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