Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
