You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
