come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
