Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
