actually, I'm a sock model
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
