wanna go halves on a baby?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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