The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
