God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
