I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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