also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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