mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize