I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
