He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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