Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
